Smile!

> Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
>
> Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
>
> Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
>
> Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
>
> Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
>
> Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
>
> Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
>
> Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
>
> Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
>
> Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
>
> Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
>
> Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
>
> Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
>
> Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A railway station is where a
train stops. My desk is a work station.
>
> Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
>
> Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
>
> Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
>
> Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it.
>
> Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
>
> Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
>
> Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>
> Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
>
> Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America?
>
> Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
>
> Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
>
> Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive more than once.
>
> Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
>
> Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
>
> Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
>
> Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if
you wish they were.
>
> Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
>
> Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
>
> Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
>
> Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.
>
> Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
>
> Ø I always take life with a grain of salt ... plus a slice of lime ...
and a shot of tequila.
>
> Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
>
> Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
>
> Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
>
> Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
>
> Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
>
> Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.